1. Selfies are off-limits for anyone over 21*
Are you allowed to legally consume alcohol in the United States of America? If so, you are too old to go fishing for compliments with a self-portrait. Leave the selfies for Snapchatting teens who can use the word “ratchet” in a sentence without Googling “ratchet” and “urban dictionary” at the same time.
*Exceptions: Fashion bloggers, models, and anyone else who makes a living off of their appearance is exempt from this rule. So is anyone 21 or over who’s using the selfie to communicate something new to friends. New haircut: Great! New glasses? Snap away! GoofyMovember mustache? By all means, share. Same old you? Put the camera down.
2. The following words and phrases are banned from selfie captions
• “Ready for bed”
• “Good morning!”
• “Hitting the gym”
• “#GQ” (LOL)
• “Work hard, play hard”
Essentially, ask yourself, “What would Kim Kardashian do?” Then do the opposite.
3. Use your selfie allotment sparingly
Selfies are like paychecks: If you’re like most people, you only get two per month. You know that grid on your Instagram screen that only fits nine square thumbnails at a time? Your selfie-to-pictures-of-other-stuff ratio should be 1:8. Failure to comply gives your friends permission to mercilessly make fun of you.
4. Don’t look stupid
No duck lips. No ironic peace signs. No fake sleeping. No lying down. No crying toddlers in the background. These kinds of things are non-negotiable. Smile, if you’re up for it. Failure to comply, again, gives your friends permission to mercilessly make fun of you.
5. Own up to it
You’re allowed to show some skin. You do, however, have to own up to what you’re trying to accomplish by doing so. For example: “Check out my sick abs, guys” is more acceptable than “Lol my bathroom mirror is dirty” <shirtless pic>. Be honest. Honesty is good.